The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
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