The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
