i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
