Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
