Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
