dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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