Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
