Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
