so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
