I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
