Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
