Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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