Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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