My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
