if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
