the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
