After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
