If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
