I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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