Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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