If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
