I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
