I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
