Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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