Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this just has baby written all over it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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