No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
