I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
