Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
