Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
