Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
