I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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