I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
