you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
