you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
