he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
