there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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