Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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