i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
false alarm, still single
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