ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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