I hate all girls vehemently.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
