oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
