I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
