I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
