I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
