Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
