Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
