You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
