come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
