my phone needs a breathalizer
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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