i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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