I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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