These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Found your dick twin last night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
