I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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