My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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